he is dead

Finally, it came to an end.. very sad but i think it is time.

the love i had for him was greater than what i could handle.

now he is dead, i still love him, still do.

i keep hearing him whispering, i keep looking out for his sight.

please stop haunting me, please let me go.

i miss him, i do. but somehow life seems simpler without him.

i'm not dead, he is.

again

here we go again, now we are back together, but still.. how long is it gonna last this time.

does he really love me? does he really want to be with me? i do love him so very much.. but i am so scared..

if he loves me, why did he go to someone's flat, holding someone in his arm watching dvd?

he said he wants to stop doing so many things.. like go to the scene, sleeping around.. but how long does that gonna last? can he change? do i want him to change? can't i just love/ accept him for who he is.

i am pretty confused again..

why life seem so complicated at the moment.

i just want someone.. someone right.. someone there.. someone with lots and lots of love and passion.. someone who thinks the world of me, misses me every single second of the day, wanting me every minute of the night.

is that too much to ask? am i too demanding?

sometimes things don't seem/ feel real!

confused

i am so confused!

would like this period of my life to pass.

someone said this to me, and it is so true.

'i found the best lover, but not a good boyfriend'

oh well..

again... where is my superman.. where is that passion, there are those eyes!

hurts

why does it hurt so much.

i miss him everyday,every minute, every second of the day.

saw him earlier today in town with someone.. i felt like someone was stabbing a knife through my heart.

i have to be strong and not contacting him. just have to believe that this is for the best.

i said horrible things to him, really want to call and say that 'i'm sorry' but then the thing between us will never end.

i miss his smell, i miss his kiss.

why do i love someone so much, someone who is capable of hurting me. someone who i don't even know if he loves me, misses me, or have any kind of feeling for me.

it is hard.. i want to call and hear his voice, i want to go over there and hold him tight in my arms. but we both will only end up hurting each other again.

is he... is he the love of my life? guess time will tell. not being in contact for a bit might be a good thing, hopefully it will show how we feel about each other.

but right now, one thing i know for sure is.. i'm missing him like crazy, and he is still in my heart.

life

jordi came back from thailand, its been very nice but somehow its not quite the same.. i don't know why im surprised that it's not the same cos i should know that..i was the one who fucked it all up... big time.

read something on the computer that i regret, i shouldn't have read it at all. i thought i wouldn't feel anything.. but after reading his msn logs, see how he talks to people, see how he says things to those guys.. it really really hurts.. it's like someone putting a knife through my heart..

he has changed.. so much.. in a way that i really don't like.. he became like me.

life sucks at the moment. i am so fucked up right now. don't really know what's gonna happen.. i think i am looking for something that doesn't exist, im looking for my superman who is invisible.

i wish that life is a lot more simpler and i am a lot less demanding. i have changed so much, im not sure whether it's a good thing.. where is my soul, where is my heart.

i love someone who i shouldn't love, i miss someone who doesn't give a shit about me. why doesn't he call, why doesn't he send a message.. and why doesn't he love me.. he used to love me so much.. so so much.. i miss that, i miss his love.. so much.

just have to keep telling myself that i will be ok and i will find my superman one day, someone who can stop me, someone who can change me. i know people say that i need to change myself, not relying on someone.. but i don't know how.. all my life.. i only change when i am with someone.. someone to hold on to. is that bad?

i don't want to do this anymore.. i want to find someone.. that person.. who i will be with untilt he rest of my life, someone who wants to marry me.. someone who will be on his knees telling me how much he loves me and that 'i am the one'. is that too much to ask.

september

feeling a little better, but i do miss him still, miss his smell, miss the feeling of his skin.

been checking on his facebook and see what he's been up to. i know it's not healthy, i need to move on, but i can't help it.

is this love? or it takes a bit of time to get over someone. i do not know what i love about him, i can't even see myself being with him, but one thing i know... i do miss him very very much, every day, i thought of being with him makes me smile but at the same time its so painful.

listened to a song today by Rihanna, oh my god.. its so how i feel at the moment.

"P.S. (I'm Still Not Over You)"

[verse 1]
Whats up?
I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinkin bout you
And it kinda made me smile
So many things to say
And I'll put em in a letter
Thought it might be easier
The words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to
Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line
To the story of me and you

[chorus]
Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

[verse 2]
Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on
But there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me
But it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me
Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v.
Boy it aint easy
When I hear our song
I get that same old feeling
Wish I could press rewind
Turn back the hands of time
And I shouldn't be telling you

[chorus]
Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

Did you know I kept all of your pictures
Don't have the strength to part with them yet
Oh no....
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste
But some things a girl can never forget

[chorus]
Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you


i hope he is ok, i hope he is happy.

Feelings

Why i am feeling like this, i feel so lost and sad today. missing him very very very much. i really would love to call and see how he is but i don't feel like i should.

why do i say or act like i don't care. i am still madly in love with the guy, think about him every second of the day. always pretend that i am ok, but i actually am not. wish i could turn back time and treated him better.

i think this is the best thing, it's better if we don't see each other for a bit. so i can get over him.

i would love to have him in my life, but i guess that will take time. everytime when i see him, i have to hide my feeling, have to act strong, just cos i know he doesn't want me.

am i dreaming or being too positive that there is still something there, that there might be chance that he will fall in love with me again. i know it's stupid but i he is the one who i want to be with. we have nothing in common at all but i thought we could work on that. we had an amazing time together, very interesting relationship, mad, crazy, intense. it's what i called 'can't live without each other' love.

i love the way he holds me, i love the way he touches me, i love the way he talks to me. i love him, i really do.